Sometimes...

Sometimes, you just need one of those naps that when you wake up, you have no idea where you are, what day it is, or what time it is. Today is one of those days. Fortunately, I got one of those naps today.

Hallelujah.

Personal Essay

For my English 1010 class, I have to write a personal essay. Just something simple about myself, and the life lessons I've learned.

I struggle with knowing how much I should share. I don't know where to start. Well, I do, but I don't know how to start. I don't really know what I should share, because I hate being looked at differently when people find out about mom. They usually don't say anything, but the look in their eyes says it all. It's a look of pity, or perhaps it's a look of helplessness. I'm not really sure. I know they don't know what to say, which is understandable. I've heard the words "I'm Sorry" about a thousand times, and I know people are sorry. I know they feel sorry for me, and that's what I have a hard time with.  I don't want to be pitied, I just want people to understand.

I lead a different life than most people my age. That's okay with me. I'm used to it. I schedule my time around visits with mom, because no matter what, she's my priority. I really hate missing a day of seeing her, because her condition is so unpredictable that I don't know what may change from day to day. Sometimes it's hard, missing out on things, or choosing between them. I usually pick seeing mom. She deserves at least that from me.

 I picked seventeen different titles for my personal essay. One for each year I've lived. I wrote a paragraph about each, and I'm not really sure which one I want to pick. I thought about picking a couple and writing an essay for each, and then choosing which I like better, but I know they'll just end up at the same place, about the same thing. It doesn't really matter how I start it, because I know the story will morph into my story, and become the same words, just arranged in a different order. I suppose that's what writing is about.

I'll keep you posted and let you know when I figure out which essay I'm going to write. This should be interesting.

P.S. Thanks for letting me brain dump. It cleared my head so now I can do my homework! And I have a lot of homework.

Do You Ever?

Do you ever just wake up in the morning and want to roll over and go back to sleep, knowing it's just going to be one of those days?

Well, that was me this morning. I probably would have been better off if I had. But, I still had to get up and go to school. Life goes on.

I can't really tell you why it was a bad day, it just was.

All I know is that I'm glad today is almost over. I'm going to try to wake up in the morning a make tomorrow a better day. It probably will be considering it's my half day.

 Hallelujah.

Sometimes I Struggle, But I Have Faith

Sometimes I struggle with the fact that my beautiful, sweet and selfless mother has an incurable and untreatable disease.


Disease. Just the word makes me want to cringe.

However, recently two classmates of mine have had one of their parents pass away. My heart goes out to them in this time of trial and sorrow in their lives. This also makes me grateful that I still have my mama.

This also made me think about something. would it be easier if mom had passed away suddenly? Would it have been easier if she had only been sick for a short time before passing away? Would it be easier than what's happening to her now?

The thought of living a single moment without her send this deep and terrible pain throughout me. The thought of taking a single breath without her here takes my breath away. I'm not prepared and I'm not even remotely ready to lose her. I need her. I need her in my life. I need her every day.

It's hard seeing the day-to-day progression of mom's MS. It's difficult to realize the destruction it's causing and see her abilities being stolen away from her.

It's an everyday coping process. I wake up in the morning sometimes hopeful that it will be a good day for mom. Other mornings I wake up discouraged because of what happened to her the day before.

There is a facade that I put up, pretending as if the pain isn't still there. It is. And it's real. It's endless heartache and recurring trauma. It's jealousy and envy. It's wishing for what you can't have. Normalcy.

I understand and believe firmly in the trials given to us by our Heavenly Father. This one has strengthened and changed me in innumerable ways. I am even grateful for what it's given me. I understand that right now, we are trading heartache and sorrow for endless joy and unbelievable happiness later.

I have faith in my Heavenly Father's plan. I believe he knows what he's doing and I don't believe in coincidence. He has His hand in all things. He knows what's going to happen and how we're going to respond. But He gave us agency. I will use mine to make this situation a positive one and I will use it to learn from.

I'm grateful to be a member of  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I believe in Eternal Families and I am grateful for mine. I'm grateful for my parent's choices, and I'm grateful they are sealed for time and all eternity.