Personal Essay

For my English 1010 class, I have to write a personal essay. Just something simple about myself, and the life lessons I've learned.

I struggle with knowing how much I should share. I don't know where to start. Well, I do, but I don't know how to start. I don't really know what I should share, because I hate being looked at differently when people find out about mom. They usually don't say anything, but the look in their eyes says it all. It's a look of pity, or perhaps it's a look of helplessness. I'm not really sure. I know they don't know what to say, which is understandable. I've heard the words "I'm Sorry" about a thousand times, and I know people are sorry. I know they feel sorry for me, and that's what I have a hard time with.  I don't want to be pitied, I just want people to understand.

I lead a different life than most people my age. That's okay with me. I'm used to it. I schedule my time around visits with mom, because no matter what, she's my priority. I really hate missing a day of seeing her, because her condition is so unpredictable that I don't know what may change from day to day. Sometimes it's hard, missing out on things, or choosing between them. I usually pick seeing mom. She deserves at least that from me.

 I picked seventeen different titles for my personal essay. One for each year I've lived. I wrote a paragraph about each, and I'm not really sure which one I want to pick. I thought about picking a couple and writing an essay for each, and then choosing which I like better, but I know they'll just end up at the same place, about the same thing. It doesn't really matter how I start it, because I know the story will morph into my story, and become the same words, just arranged in a different order. I suppose that's what writing is about.

I'll keep you posted and let you know when I figure out which essay I'm going to write. This should be interesting.

P.S. Thanks for letting me brain dump. It cleared my head so now I can do my homework! And I have a lot of homework.

Grief

Grief is a funny thing. Not really "funny" but strange. Why do we use the expression "funny" when it's not really funny? Another post for another time, I suppose.


These are the seven stages of grief. I've been through every one in the past three years. Every. Single. One. Even though my mom has not passed away, I still experienced loss. Loss of normalcy, loss of everything I ever knew. Loss of a normal family, loss of the mama I always knew.


7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
7 stages of grief...
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

My life isn't normal. But it is mine, and I'll take it, because I know there are people worse off. I know there are people completely alone in life, and I'm surrounded by an amazing group of people-my friends and family. I feel so blessed to be a part of their lives and have them as a part of mine.

Be grateful for what you do have, because it can be taken away from you. Don't waste precious time wishing you had something else, accept what you have and move on. Live every day to the fullest. You might not have tomorrow.