"...happy, free, confused, and lonely in the best way..."

...i admit it. I've been jamming out to RED  by Taylor Swift pretty much all weekend. But I'm not ashamed. I love it.

I love the lyric that I used to title this post with... It's so accurate of my life Right. Now.

College is amazing... It makes me feel happy and free. I'm finally there for a reason... I'm there to earn a degree so I can have a career. College is also confusing and lonely... Confusing jumping through all the hoops and keeping up with the work, not hard by itself, but combined with the rest of life, whew! Exhausting. Lonely because I miss people from high school. Really, I do. I didn't think I would. I was pretty ready to say sionara to most people, but there are a select few I really miss having in my life.

College (so far) is also one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I'm soooo happy I came to Weber and I'm happy to have had the first ten weeks go so smoothly. I'm excited for next semester, and I'm excited to keep on moving forward with my life.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my jam session and work on drifting off to sleep...

"...it's miserable and magical... Oh yeah..."

Change

In some ways, I feel the same as I did last year. I'm still Holly.  In other ways, I feel like a completely different person. I'm not the same Holly. It's definitely been a time of change for me, whether I'd like to admit it or not. The past year, I feel like I've really come into myself. I've transitioned from young woman to woman, from high school student to college student, and from minor to adult... Which is utterly terrifying and entirely liberating at the same time.
Just yesterday, while playing with my younger cousins I asked myself aloud, "When did I become a grown up?". My grandma chuckled and responded, "I don't know. I swear you were just born." Well grandma, so do I. I remember childhood so vividly, yet someday those memories will be as faded as an old pair of blue jeans.
A year ago, I had grandiose dreams for my future. I was going to be a lawyer, get my PhD, have a career and a family, and be superwoman, superwife, and supermom. Well, reality caught up with me. No one is perfect. Who wants to be? Perfection is highly overrated. My dreams are much simpler now, closer to my heart, and truer within my soul. I want to be a... wife, and a mom, (someday), and a social worker. I want to work with at-risk youth, teaching, coaching, and encouraging them to reach for their dreams - even if they don't know what they are yet.
A year from now, I don't know where I'll be in my life or how far I'll be in my goals. I do know one thing - a year from now I'll be a better person, a better woman - because every day I'll try to be a better me. The best me I can be.
P.S. The photo on the left was taken last year, and the one on the right was taken this month. Crazy how I've changed, huh?

Winter Wonderland? In October?

It's a balmy 37 degrees outside here in Ogden... How lovely. I don't know weather (purposely used the wrong form) to be excited or not. Sure, snow is beautiful... but y'all know how much I love fall... I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye to it yet. Guess I'll have to be. The snow is here!!! However, I know this is Utah we're talking about... so it could be back to 70 degrees and beautiful by next week.

Guess I'll just have to wait and see... and bundle up in the meantime.

Yeah, I'm dressed like I'm in the arctic. It's cold!

My President's Values

My parents raised me to be an honest, hardworking person, who can own up to her mistakes, take advice when she needs it, ask for help when she's bitten off more than she can chew, and stand up for herself when she should. I think those are pretty decent values... why shouldn't my president have those too?

Infertile Myrtle.

The smell of baby powder comforts me. Honestly, I don't know why.

Some of my earliest memories involve babies.  Playing with them, toting them around, being their "mama." I always knew from the time I was little I would want to be a mom someday. 

Then, when I was about 15, I found out that it won't be easy for me to have kids. Just like my mom, I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This causes some strange symptoms, including weight gain, facial (and body) hair growth, and depression. So, yeah, I have a killer mustache. Try me. I bet I can grow a better one than your boyfriend. Combine this with my dad's amazing rate of hair growth, and BAM! You get me. I try everything to control it. Tweezing, Waxing, Bleaching, and the one thing that will really work I can't afford. Lazer hair removal. So, I'll keep my killer 'stache... and save until the day I can't say sayonara for good! This is not my point here, though. 

It hurts inside to know that there's a possibility that I'll never have kids. I want them... I always thought I'd have them. You know, once I settled down, met the right guy. And then one day, I'd pee on a stick and get the surprise of my life! Then, my journey to parenthood would 
begin. 

My whole life, I've thought about what I'd name my kids... I think it's a girl thing... Don't we all do that?  

I know, there are plenty of ways to become a mom..  adoption, fostering, fertility treatments... Believe me. I've thought about them all at some point. 

So, armed with the knowledge that it will be very difficult for me to ever get pregnant, how do I go about dating? 

"Hi, I'm Holly, and if we get married, there's a very good possibility that we'll never have kids." Now, assuming that he's the kind of guy I hope to marry (after all, we marry who we date...), he would likely go running for the hills... Great.  

Now, instead of saddling myself with a life full of misery and loneliness and giving up on dating altogether... I've made a decision. 

I'm going to just be happy. Come what may, and love it. If I get married, great! If I have kids, awesome. I'm going to stop assuming that if I never get married that I'll live a sad and lonely life. After all, I'm single and childless now! Life's pretty great. If it never happens for me, I'll have a great career and just touch a lot of people's lives along the way. 

For me, it isn't giving up on a dream, it's accepting reality and adjusting my dream accordingly. 

Left Handed, Right Winged, Mormon, Republican

I'm a Republican.

And... I'm proud of it.

Love me. Hate me. I don't really care. I'm voting for Romney.

Yes, it's true. There are things about my political party that  I don't agree with, there are also things  about the Democratic party that I do agree with.

Basically, it all comes down to which party that I most agree with.


I agree that gay marriage should be legalized. *gasp* a Mormon girl just said that. Get over it.

It's going to happen, it has happened, and (hold your breath) I think it should happen. Love is Love and everybody has the right to marry the one they love - who am I to judge - and even interfere?

That being said, I can't agree with President Obama's current position on abortion, Medicare, foreign policy, and middle class taxes. I just can't. I don't think what he's done is working, and I don't think it will (or can) work.

Honestly, I think President Obama is probably a great man. I can't say for sure, seeing as I don't know him, nor have I ever met him. I'm sure he's a good husband, a great father, and even a responsible citizen of the United States.  I just don't think he should be running them.

I agree with Mitt. I agree with his plan. I agree with his stance on abortion. I agree that government should be smaller, more independent. I agree that America needs to get back to work. ...and heck... I'm glad that he knows how to handle money!

I don't care if my president is Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, Baptist, Evangelical or Mormon.
I just want someone who can stick with the Constitution and stand by the phrase "In God We Trust."

I'm a Mormon. I'm a Republican. ...and I'm voting for Mitt.

But then again, what I do know? I'm just an 18 year old girl from Utah going to school full time and working part time at a minimum wage job. I'm a citizen of the United States, and a concerned republican. ...but do you know what that gets me? MY right to vote... and no one can take that from me.
 

Music + Hunk = Maroon 5

Seriously.
It should be illegal to be this gorgeous.

What a hunk.

I mean... just look at him.

Hunk.
The great music is just a bonus.

In all seriousness though, I'm almost completely sure that Maroon 5 is my favorite band. But then again, favorites are hard to pick. But this is one that I'm pretty sure I could set in stone... I have an entire playlist of them on my tablet, and it's my favorite playlist. And favorite playlist kind of translates into favorite band, right?

Why?

I lay here with my mama, holding her trembling hand and wishing things were different. Wishing that together, we could be somewhere else right now, anywhere, other than here.

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if only she weren't sick. What she would be like, what I would be like, and what our family would be like. I honestly don't know the answer to any of these questions, and somehow, I don't think I want to know.

Here's why:

If mom weren't sick, I know for a fact I wouldn't be who I am today. I've changed, grown up, and become a different person, and it's all because of her. Yes, I did grow up faster than I needed to. But there are so many things I've learned from her, from her example, and from the fearlessness in which she fights this disease. She makes it seem like all the problems in the world are conquerable - like all my problems are simple - and compared to hers, they are.

Our family has become closer through all of this. We've stuck together and relied on each other - and I can't imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have them. I need them, and I have them, and I'm so lucky.

I've been inspired to help people. To learn about them. To help others who are in the same place that I have been. My ultimate career goal is to help other kids that have parents with chronic and terminal illnesses. I want to be able to counsel them, to let them know that things get... more normal. Not necessarily better or easier, but it becomes your new normal, and you come to understand and accept it. Once you have, your life will improve tremendously - you'll feel like you can live again, just not in the same way as before. Your life will be changed forever.

So there they are. The reasons why I wouldn't change for the world the journey my family has been on this past four years. I know others may feel differently, including those in my own family, but this is how I feel. I feel like I've learned so much from my mom's example that I may never have known had she never gotten sick. There are things she has taught me through example - things she could have never taught me otherwise - that have have changed my life. And that's why I've come to accept her illness.

I Love October.

I'm almost positive that October is my favorite month.

It's so beautiful, and the weather is just so perfect, and ah!
i just love it.

And, because I love it so much, I decided we needed to take family pictures for mama.

We went up to snowbasin (it's so gorgeous up there!) and took a few pictures.

This is what we ended up with:

Like Father like Daughter!

All three of us!

Sisters!

I like this one. :)

Me! (Funny story about this picture, actually. Maybe later!)

Ashley!!!

I'm really happy with these of Dad. :)

 

Pretty darn good if I may say so myself! So, I printed them, bought a frame, and decided to put it in mama's room so she could show us off. ;)

 

Sorry, I know it's terrible quality, but you get the idea!


 

I seriously think that October is the best month. Ever. It's not even because of Halloween, because I actually don't like Halloween! I just like pumpkins, fall colors, warm clothes, and homemade chili. Speaking of which, I have a bowl waiting for me... Gotta go!



I Miss...

I miss...

My mama.

I miss...

How she used to be.

I miss...

Her holding me in her arms.

I miss...

Our long conversations and heart to hearts.

I miss...

The way she stroked my hair.

I miss...

Hearing her voice.

I miss...

My mama.

1,217 Miles

Having your best friend half way across the country isn't exactly easy.

 

I miss her. So much. And because we miss each other so much, sometimes we have to get creative.

We write.

We call. (Last month, I actually went over my minutes... Thank goodness for rollover! I <3 AT&T.)

 

We text.

We video chat

 

 

But it just isn't quite the same.

So, when I found out that she's coming for Christmas, I got sooooo excited! I can't stop thinking about it... I'm so excited.

Even though there are 1,217 miles between us, I still feel closer to her than anyone else. Still, hearing her voice, having hour-long heart to hearts, and seeing her handwriting makes me feel better, and makes me miss her a little bit less.

I can't wait to see her come December, and I can't wait to hug her.

But, until then, we have our texts, video chats, hour long phone calls, and once a week letters.

Let's just hope I can wait 82 more days...