Confessions of Someone Who Has Been Affected by MS

There is one subject that never fails to bring tears to my eyes, and that is my mom. The woman I love so dearly, and yearn for so deeply.

There are times when it is all I can do to keep on smiling, and push away the pain that dwells just beneath the surface. A couple of weeks ago, while at my grandparents easter party, I was looking through my grandpa's photo collection, and I found a few pictures of mom, and of our family before mom got sick. It hurt to see her the way she was. The way she lives in my memory, but not in my reality.

A few years ago, I attended a stake girl's camp for church, where I had an experience that I've never told anyone about... a humbling and insightful experience that let me know my life was about to change.

One night, we held a fireside testimony meeting, and while others shared their testimonies, I sat and listened, and while I listened,  I had the most powerful feeling. I felt that my life was about to change, and not for the better. Somehow, I knew.

I knew mom was going to get sick, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it.

I can't explain it. I really can't. I just knew.

So I sat... and I cried. I let the tears flow. I didn't tell anyone what was on my mind, or anything that had just been revealed to me. I never have. Until now.

So here's my confession.

Every day, I cry. I cry for what she has lost, I cry for the new symptoms that have appeared. I cry for the good memories I have, and I cry for the bad memories I'll never forget despite how much I want to. I cry that my children will never know their grandmother, who she really was. I cry that she'll never hold them, spoil them, or read them a bedtime story.

I thought I had grieved for all of this already. I really did.

Truth is, I have. But I have to grieve again. Because every holiday, every birthday, and every milestone, I will have to grieve.

I know that at some point in everybody's life, they will lose a parent. Or both. It's a fact of life.

...but I think what makes it harder for me is the fact that I'm still so young. Most girls my age had their moms all through high school, for prom, for graduation, for everything. And what makes it even harder is that my mom is still alive. She's just not there. And not by choice.

She's still physically there for me when I need her. She offers me her trembling hand for a hug when I need one. She kisses my forehead and looks at me with love in her eyes, and ever so often, she manages to say "I love you" through broken speech.

What makes it harder for me is that she is still alive. I'm so grateful she is. I'm so happy to have any time with her at all, but that also makes it so that I have to see her in pain. And that's why I constantly have to grieve.

I'm not sure I'll ever "get over" the affects of MS in my life. It infects all of my thoughts... all of the time. And that's my confession.