Why?

I lay here with my mama, holding her trembling hand and wishing things were different. Wishing that together, we could be somewhere else right now, anywhere, other than here.

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if only she weren't sick. What she would be like, what I would be like, and what our family would be like. I honestly don't know the answer to any of these questions, and somehow, I don't think I want to know.

Here's why:

If mom weren't sick, I know for a fact I wouldn't be who I am today. I've changed, grown up, and become a different person, and it's all because of her. Yes, I did grow up faster than I needed to. But there are so many things I've learned from her, from her example, and from the fearlessness in which she fights this disease. She makes it seem like all the problems in the world are conquerable - like all my problems are simple - and compared to hers, they are.

Our family has become closer through all of this. We've stuck together and relied on each other - and I can't imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have them. I need them, and I have them, and I'm so lucky.

I've been inspired to help people. To learn about them. To help others who are in the same place that I have been. My ultimate career goal is to help other kids that have parents with chronic and terminal illnesses. I want to be able to counsel them, to let them know that things get... more normal. Not necessarily better or easier, but it becomes your new normal, and you come to understand and accept it. Once you have, your life will improve tremendously - you'll feel like you can live again, just not in the same way as before. Your life will be changed forever.

So there they are. The reasons why I wouldn't change for the world the journey my family has been on this past four years. I know others may feel differently, including those in my own family, but this is how I feel. I feel like I've learned so much from my mom's example that I may never have known had she never gotten sick. There are things she has taught me through example - things she could have never taught me otherwise - that have have changed my life. And that's why I've come to accept her illness.