College Student

I'm kind of getting a taste of what it's going to be like to be a college student. It was really weird to be at home by noon today. But I liked it. It was nice to be able to come home, take a three hour nap and still have time to wake up, make dinner, and do my homework.

What?

I had plenty of time. That was nice. I'm looking forward to Friday, too. :)

Oh, Algebra 2...

Dear Algebra 2,

I though I was going to hate you, but really, I don't. All my math classes are now coming full circle in my mind. It clicked! It makes sense now.

One word.

Hallelujah.

Sincerely,

Just Another Manic Monday...

Monday, oh Monday. I hate you.

Despite my extreme disliking for Mondays, I was determined to make this a good one. It turned out to be... Okay. Not good, not great, but okay. I'll take okay, because okay isn't bad, and okay isn't crappy. It was... okay.

One positive thing is that I got my schedule fixed, so now I have two parent release hours on A days. That means that I'm outta there and back at home by noon. Yep, noon. Love A days!

Sometimes I Struggle, But I Have Faith

Sometimes I struggle with the fact that my beautiful, sweet and selfless mother has an incurable and untreatable disease.


Disease. Just the word makes me want to cringe.

However, recently two classmates of mine have had one of their parents pass away. My heart goes out to them in this time of trial and sorrow in their lives. This also makes me grateful that I still have my mama.

This also made me think about something. would it be easier if mom had passed away suddenly? Would it have been easier if she had only been sick for a short time before passing away? Would it be easier than what's happening to her now?

The thought of living a single moment without her send this deep and terrible pain throughout me. The thought of taking a single breath without her here takes my breath away. I'm not prepared and I'm not even remotely ready to lose her. I need her. I need her in my life. I need her every day.

It's hard seeing the day-to-day progression of mom's MS. It's difficult to realize the destruction it's causing and see her abilities being stolen away from her.

It's an everyday coping process. I wake up in the morning sometimes hopeful that it will be a good day for mom. Other mornings I wake up discouraged because of what happened to her the day before.

There is a facade that I put up, pretending as if the pain isn't still there. It is. And it's real. It's endless heartache and recurring trauma. It's jealousy and envy. It's wishing for what you can't have. Normalcy.

I understand and believe firmly in the trials given to us by our Heavenly Father. This one has strengthened and changed me in innumerable ways. I am even grateful for what it's given me. I understand that right now, we are trading heartache and sorrow for endless joy and unbelievable happiness later.

I have faith in my Heavenly Father's plan. I believe he knows what he's doing and I don't believe in coincidence. He has His hand in all things. He knows what's going to happen and how we're going to respond. But He gave us agency. I will use mine to make this situation a positive one and I will use it to learn from.

I'm grateful to be a member of  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I believe in Eternal Families and I am grateful for mine. I'm grateful for my parent's choices, and I'm grateful they are sealed for time and all eternity.

Positive Change

Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed the positive trend in music lately? I'm kind of lovin' it!

I made a playlist that I think every girl needs. I personally titled it "When You're Feeling Down, Just Remember..." Call it what you wish, but I think it's required listening on a bad day.

Here is whats on it:
1. Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars
2. Don't You Know You're Beautiful - Kellie Pickler
3. Perfect - P!NK
4. Firework - Katy Perry
5. Beautiful Soul - Jesse McCartney
6. Born This Way - Lady Gaga
7. Who Says - Selena Gomez
8. Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
9. Today Is Your Day - Shania Twain

The majority of these songs have come out fairly recently. I'm surprised and pleased with this upward trend in music and the encouragment of positive self image.

I am always looking for more songs to add to this wonderful playlist. Know of one (or more!)? Please leave a comment below! I'd love to add it! :)

Dear Bruno,

Bruno Mars... I love you.

Thanks for reminding me that someday, I'll meet my prince charming. Today is just not the day.

Thanks for reminding every girl that she deserves someone who loves her for who she is, and that she is perfect, beautiful and amazing just the way she is.

Thanks for reminding young lovers everywhere that it's normal to be in love and to have your heart broken.

Thanks for reminding everyone that sometimes it's okay to be lazy. Everyone needs a day like that every onece in a while.

Thanks for reminding me how much I love your music, and why I do. <3

Day 2...

"A" Day is a lot different than I thought it would be. But, then again, it was only the first A day. We'll have to see how it goes.

Paula and I decorated our locker today. Yes, ours. Because of the lovely construction, only a small amount of lockers are available to be used. Well, all of those lockers were given away at Back to School Night. Before I was able to get one. So, Paula arranged things and was able to get one, so for the time being, we're sharing. So we decorated. :)

And then, we climbed in it. Yes, we fit. This locker is ginormous. However, I would have never, ever, ever  fit in this in January. I can very proudly say that I have lost  45 pounds since February. However, I didn't "lose" them, because I don't miss them, and I definitely do not want them back. Bye bye, poundies! I hope to never see you again!



I survived!

I survived the first day of my Senior Year... It went by pretty fast!

I woke up this morning feeling nervous and anxious, but I knew I would be fine. So, I got up and ate breakfast, did my hair and makeup, and got dressed in my first day outfit.

We went a picked up Paula, and then headed to the school. During the short ride, I maintained my composure, and looked calm and collected, but all the while butterflies fluttered in my stomach.

Ashley pulled into the parking lot, and we got out of the car. The moment I stepped foot on campus, it felt right, it felt familiar, and it felt so good to be back. My anxiety faded away and I was in my element.

We opened the doors to a swarm of people and I recognized a few familiar faces amidst the crowd. I did my obligatory salutations, exchanged cordial greetings and gave a few hugs. I smiled and realized that I missed people over the summer. I missed talking to people and making them laugh. I missed being me... At least the me I become when I'm at school.

I notice a change in myself in different social situations. If I'm comfortable, I become a very chatty, somewhat of a social butterfly. I take on different roles when I go to different places. At school, I'm the person who loves to talk and make people laugh. I love that part of me. I love being that person.

I found and gathered friends with the same first period as mine, and together we tried with no avail to find our classroom. We asked a multitude of teachers, staff and administrators, but no one seemed to know where Mr. Randy Richards was located. After my entourage and I located my first period (with some assistance), the rest of the day went fairly smoothly. Seeing as today was the first day, we attended all eight of our classes and then went to advisory (homeroom). During my classes nothing went wrong, and I felt happy, calm, and relaxed.  Upon that realization, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief and thought to myself "I can do this, no problem". A smile spread upon my face and I carried it with me confidently for the rest of the day.

To draw the day to a close, the entire student body attended an assembly. We arrived to our seats in the auditorium and I anxiously sat, eagerly awaiting for it to begin. I then realized where I was sitting. The Senior Section. I felt a rush to be sitting there. The Senior Section. (If you hadn't noticed, I'm still adjusting to the fact that I'm a senior). The house lights went down and I cleared my mind.  The SBO's ran the length of the newly renovated auditorium, and hopped up to center stage. As per Ogden High tradition, they, in unison, screamed into the microphone

"WILL THIS ASSEMBLY PLEASE COME TO ORDER?!?"

I bolted to my feet and cheered as loudly as I could, a sense of pride welling up in my chest. In that moment, I lost sensation in my body, allowing myself to soak up the moment in entirety. 

The assembly went on, and at every opportunity I had, I participated. During Ice Cream and Cake and Ogden Will Shine, I sang and danced wholeheartedly. As a Sophomore and even a Junior, I didn't feel the pride and love for my school that I felt today. I don't know what made today any different, and I don't know what changed inside of me, but I like it. I love being an Ogden High Tiger, and I'm now, very proudly, a member of the Senior Class.

Here's to the Class of 2012! Hail to the seniors, the mighty mighty seniors!!!



School in the Morning...

The alarm clock is going to go off in about...

6.5 hours.

Needless to say, I'm not exactly looking forward to the moment it does.

Yay.

The Feather Fad

You've got that right, y'all. I gave in to the fad. The feather fad! I tried to be conservative and get one that blended in well with my hair, and I think I did okay.

However, I think this will be one of those things that in 20 years, I'll roll my eyes and wonder to myself "Why did I ever do that?" But for now, I'm lovin' it! Makes me get in tune with my inner Pocahontas!

Crickets

Sorry, the real crickets are just too gross looking to post on my blog.
I'd get the heebie geebies every time I looked at it.

I love the sound of crickets on a cool summer evening in the end of August.

I love the way their sound floods my ears and makes me nostalgic.

I love knowing that every summer for the rest of my life, the sound of crickets will remind me of this summer, the summer of 2011, one of the best I've ever had.

I love remembering and looking back at all that's happened this summer.

I love the crickets, and the sound they make.

I think they missed me...

If you know me, you know I love my kitties. They mean so much to me!

Every time I leave for an extended period of time, I miss my cats and my family sooo much. Even though I was only gone two days, I missed them. So, when I got home today at noon, I flopped down on my bed, and here come my kitties! Two of them, anyways. The two that I'm really close to.

I know I missed them, but this time, I think they missed me.

I'm Back!!!

That's right! I'm back from Idaho!

I had a blast. Here's a few pictures:

Thanks so much to Paula and her family for having me! I had so much fun at the rodeo and I'm so happy I spent the last weekend of the summer with you!

Rodeo!

One word.

YEEHAW!!!

Moments In Time - Some Things Never Change

What is a picture? To me, pictures are moments in time, frozen and preserved. Pictures are memories of a happy time.

Over the past few days, I have been digitizing all of the photos from my childhood. Upon doing so, I noticed a picture of myself from when I was about a year old. I'm wearing a (small) gray hoodie, with the hood pulled up over my head, framing my face. I have a similar photo of myself, taken just a few weeks ago. I'm wearing a (large) gray hoodie, with the hood pulled up over my head, framing my face. Some things about a person never change, I suppose.

I love comfy gray hoodies.



Packed.

The term "packed" or "packing" generally implies that one is leaving for a period of time. Yes, I'm leaving. For two (almost three) days. To... idaho. 

I've spent a good part of my life going to Idaho for some reason or another, seeing as it's fairly close to my native Utah. However, this time, I'm traveling to a part of Idaho I've never been to before. Conner, Idaho. I know what you're thinking. "Where? I've never even heard of it!" Come on, people. Has anybody ever heard of anywhere in Idaho?

Anyways, I'm kind of excited. I'm going with Paula. We're going to Burley for the rodeo and fair and I'm going to meet some more of her family. WooHoo! Unfortunately, she got her wisdom teeth out yesterday. So, she's kinda... really miserable. I'm hoping she'll feel better soon. Hopefully.

One Week!

School starts one week from today. I'm so.dang.excited. I seriously can't even wait. I went and talked to my counselor today about my schedule for this year. She's impressed. I'm taking 17 credit hours of college this year through the Concurrent Enrollment program. My schedule is as follows:

A Day:

1. I can't remember, but I know it's something important!
2. English 1010.
3. Office Aide.
4. Parent Release. Yep, that means I get out at 1:00! Yes!

B Day:

5. I can't remember this one either. I'll find out on Monday!
6. English 1010. (It's taught everyday)
7. Seminary!
8. Computer Tech II.

I'm pretty excited for this year if you couldn't already tell. I'll almost be a Sophomore in college when I start next fall. Call me an overachiever if you want, I'm just saving money.

Now, I just need to get a 24 on my ACT so I can earn a Merit Scholarship. I'm good on English and Reading, but I could use a little help when it comes to Math and Science. Anyone want to tutor me?

music.

I'm in love. Not with a person, but music.

I've found three artists that I really, really love.

jason mraz. jack johnson. sean hayes.

I'm Yours. -Jason Mraz

Banana Pancakes. - Jack Johnson

Powerful Stuff. - Sean Hayes
Those are my three favorite songs right now. I love the acoustic, relaxed air about them. Just a man and his guitar. :)

Grief

Grief is a funny thing. Not really "funny" but strange. Why do we use the expression "funny" when it's not really funny? Another post for another time, I suppose.


These are the seven stages of grief. I've been through every one in the past three years. Every. Single. One. Even though my mom has not passed away, I still experienced loss. Loss of normalcy, loss of everything I ever knew. Loss of a normal family, loss of the mama I always knew.


7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
7 stages of grief...
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

My life isn't normal. But it is mine, and I'll take it, because I know there are people worse off. I know there are people completely alone in life, and I'm surrounded by an amazing group of people-my friends and family. I feel so blessed to be a part of their lives and have them as a part of mine.

Be grateful for what you do have, because it can be taken away from you. Don't waste precious time wishing you had something else, accept what you have and move on. Live every day to the fullest. You might not have tomorrow.

Quotes

I have this thing for quote pictures lately... I'm now starting to create some of them with my favorite quotes. Pretty cool, right? I think so. I don't take credit for the quotes or the photos, I just added the words to them.

This one just speaks to me. You have to have faith, and believe, and you're already halfway through whatever it is you're having a a hard time with. 

Oh, how I love reading and learning from other people's words! 

Fallen for Fall

Back to school time means it's close to another one of my favorite times of the year.

FALL!!!!!

Oh, there's just so many things about fall that I love, I can't even explain! But I'm going to try.

The leaves ever-changing hues, the way they gently fall from the branches, how they delicately grace the ground with their beauty. The crunch they make under my feet as I walk down the street, the freshly raked piles awaiting to be jumped in.

The jackets, sweaters, and turtle necks; breathing in the fresh, brisk air. Pumpkin patches and hay bales, warm cider, fresh baked apple pie, and steaming bowls of homemade Chili.

The beginning of the holiday season, starting with Halloween and Thanksgiving. The family brought together, the decorations that set the tone for the occasion.

Summer has it's time and place, and I've enjoyed it, but I'm ready. Ready for fall. Ready for all the great things it brings. Ready for this:

Aren't you?

Green

I've been experiencing some feelings of jealousy lately. A lot of them, actually.

I find myself being jealous because of everything that others have. Everything I once had, but was stolen from me by a disease.
I find myself jealous of other girls who have their moms through their teen years. I was fourteen when my mom got sick. I've liven through most of my teen years without the normal mom influence in my life. Sure, there are plenty of female figures in my life, but no one is like your mom. No one.

I find myself jealous because others have their moms at home and take them for granted. I would give anything to have my mom back with me at home. Every birthday, every Christmas, my wish remains one and the same. The one thing I wish for is the one thing I can't attain.

Slowly, green is becoming one of my favorite colors. I'm becoming more familiar with it, becoming more similar to it's jealous qualities.

I'm not bitter anymore. I once was, but I never will be again. I am jealous, and I suppose that with time, that will die down too.

I'm not angry, but I am upset. Sometimes, I just have a hard time. Coping is a hard thing to do when your enemy is right there, staring you in the face every day. My enemy is Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. What is yours?

Audrey Hepburn

So, I know I posted a quote yesterday too, but I just love this one. It speaks perfectly of everything I want to be. Everything I know I am deep down inside.

life is art

word.



Life is art, and life is beautiful.

the end.

Relieved.

We went and saw mom's neurologist today. You can read about it here.

We talked to her about that chances of Ashley and I having MS. There's a 1-3% chance that we could have it. That is a lot less than I thought it was.

She talked to us about preventative measures that we can be taking to improve our overall health and lessen the chances of having MS. She recommended taking 2000 IU's (international units) of Vitamin D a day, and eating well, of course. She said keep an eye out for any symptoms, and if we want to, get screened for MS. Eventually, I think I'll be screened, just so I can either know I have it or have peace of mind knowing I don't. 

Needless to say, I'm relieved. I don't have a perfect peace of mind, but I know I shouldn't worry about things I can't control. So I won't. I'll just live every day the best I can, knowing I'll never have that day ever again. Today is the only August 12, 2011 I'll ever have. Might as well make the best of it!

Oh, I decided that I want to try and put a picture in every one of my posts. So this is a picture of the fortune I got from my favorite Chinese restaurant last week. It says:

"Make serious decisions in the last few days of the month."

What's that supposed to mean? Any ideas?

How Much I Love My Best Friend

My best friend, Paula, and her mom just bought a house. Well, before moving into the house, they wanted and needed to make some... improvements.

Over the past two days, I went over there to help them out. I'm always looking for an opportunity to serve, and I really, really wanted to help!

Yesterday, we painted the trim and the living room. :)

So. Much. Fun. Seriously, it doesn't matter what we're doing together, I always have fun with this girl.

Even today, when we were peeling four layers of wallpaper off of the walls, I found myslef thinking

"I wouldn't rather be anywhere else."

I love spending time with this girl, and I'm going to miss the crap out of her this weekend! She's off to LA, you know, living the life and partyin' in the big cities!

So, even though the wallpaper was long and tedious project, I had fun. Even though I sliced my fingers open with the scraper, I had fun. Even though I can't text because of the bandaids on my thumbs, I had fun.

I'm so happy I have my best friend. :)