Sometimes I Struggle, But I Have Faith

Sometimes I struggle with the fact that my beautiful, sweet and selfless mother has an incurable and untreatable disease.


Disease. Just the word makes me want to cringe.

However, recently two classmates of mine have had one of their parents pass away. My heart goes out to them in this time of trial and sorrow in their lives. This also makes me grateful that I still have my mama.

This also made me think about something. would it be easier if mom had passed away suddenly? Would it have been easier if she had only been sick for a short time before passing away? Would it be easier than what's happening to her now?

The thought of living a single moment without her send this deep and terrible pain throughout me. The thought of taking a single breath without her here takes my breath away. I'm not prepared and I'm not even remotely ready to lose her. I need her. I need her in my life. I need her every day.

It's hard seeing the day-to-day progression of mom's MS. It's difficult to realize the destruction it's causing and see her abilities being stolen away from her.

It's an everyday coping process. I wake up in the morning sometimes hopeful that it will be a good day for mom. Other mornings I wake up discouraged because of what happened to her the day before.

There is a facade that I put up, pretending as if the pain isn't still there. It is. And it's real. It's endless heartache and recurring trauma. It's jealousy and envy. It's wishing for what you can't have. Normalcy.

I understand and believe firmly in the trials given to us by our Heavenly Father. This one has strengthened and changed me in innumerable ways. I am even grateful for what it's given me. I understand that right now, we are trading heartache and sorrow for endless joy and unbelievable happiness later.

I have faith in my Heavenly Father's plan. I believe he knows what he's doing and I don't believe in coincidence. He has His hand in all things. He knows what's going to happen and how we're going to respond. But He gave us agency. I will use mine to make this situation a positive one and I will use it to learn from.

I'm grateful to be a member of  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I believe in Eternal Families and I am grateful for mine. I'm grateful for my parent's choices, and I'm grateful they are sealed for time and all eternity.