Love Every Day

While the majority of my thoughts end up here, I (occasionally) also write on my mom's MS blog. I don't get on very often, because it just doesn't seem... like much ever changes.

But, since this post has a lot to do with my feelings towards mom's MS, and my life, I figured I'd post it here too.

It has been... far too long since I have last updated.

In the day to day, when you're actually living it, it doesn't seem like much ever changes. But when you look back, and realize that everything is different, it's difficult to accept.

I find this to be true in Mom's case.

I miss her, every day.

She's still here, beautiful and flawed as ever, struggling to make it through the day, just one at a time. I admire the strength that she possesses in her spirit, if it were me, I know I would have been long broken by now. She smiles, and says "Thank You" for everything. It's sweet, and endearing, and it makes me miss her that much more.

It seems that pieces of her fade away slowly, and sometimes they will come back for a rare and special occasion. I know they are gifts, and I treasure them, but memory is funny that way - I never seem to be able to hold on to the good moments, only the bad ones.

When things happen in life, it is difficult to approach them with her. It's a dilemma, because you silently wonder to yourself "Will she remember? Will it upset her?" So I never know what to say.

I often find myself asking, "Would 'Old Mom' want to know?"  Would she be mad at me for keeping it from her?

"Old Mom". That's how I refer to the woman I used to know, because who she was, and who she is now, are very different people.

I like to frame situations like that:

Old Mom  vs. New Mom

And when I do that, I wonder... Is she proud of me? Would she like what I'm doing in life?

And, I think she would. Because I'm her daughter. She loves me with a fire so deeply inside her, that it scares me to let her down. She is a momma-bear in the fiercest sense of the word. Even now. I know, she would still do anything in her power for me, and that's how I know that she is still there, somewhere.

It's difficult to take the role of a caregiver when you're still supposed to be given care yourself. It's impossible to see someone you love so much in so much pain. It's awful to know what's ahead. Sometimes, all you can do is hold her hand, and love her that much more along the way.

 I do it for her, because she did it for me. She gave up so much... she sacrificed everything. For me.

I apologize for not really getting into any details of how she's doing medically,  but she's doing fairly well. A little cold as of right now, and, as expected, her MS continues to progress.

You can read the original post here.

Until next time,