Regrets

Regrets are an awful thing.

And so is jealousy. However. I find myself stuck between these two things today, and I can't seem to shake them.

I feel inadequate. Moreso now than I ever have before in my life. I ask myself, "Why?" "Why can't you do it all? Why can't you seem to balance all of this?"

I am... struggling. So much right now.

With work, and school, and doing homework, being a good manager, trying to be a worthy friend, and a loving daughter...I just want to scream! I want to wander the far ends of the earth and sit in solitude - until I can figure out what I truly want to do.

I want to be a happy person - one that you meet and you can see that just exudes joy.

I want to cut out of my life everything  that doesn't contribute to my happiness, but right now, that is everything.

I've thought about quitting school and finding work that makes me happy, but how can I do that without a college degree? I can't.

I've thought about quitting work, and throwing myself heart and soul into my studies. Which is a novel idea...but how can I afford such a thing with no income? I can't.

Which leaves me with two options:

1, Quit everything! Live off of "welfare" and give up everything I've worked so hard for. Spend life alone, and lonely, waiting to die.

2. Keep doing what I'm doing. Work myself to death, keep doing things I don't want to do in hopes that one day it will make me happy.

Anyone who knows me know that #1 isn't even really an option for me. While I find #2 still highly undesirable, it's what I have to do.

Because if I don't, I will be faced with a life full of regrets.

and...

Regrets are an awful thing.