Terrible Flaming Jealousy.

I hate that it seems like everywhere I turn, there are moms and daughters that are fighting. I can't stand to watch an eye roll from a 13 year old and a sigh from her middle aged mother... It drives me crazy.

I'm not sure if it's because I never had that (crazy to want it, I know) or because it makes me angry to see people disrespect their mothers, but every time I do, I experience this terrible feeling. It's part anger, part frustration, and mostly sadness, because I know what it's like to NOT have a mom around to argue with or even really talk with.

Even worse than this, when I see a young woman with her mom, happy, long past the years of teenage conflict, or an older woman, taking care of her elderly mother I feel this terrible, flaming, jealousy. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I can't be happy for them, but I can't. Because the thing that hurts the most about all of this, is the fact that for all of the important events for the rest of my life, and even just the little moments along the way, I won't have my mom. And it's not because she has passed away, and it's not that she doesn't care. It's because she wants to be there. And she can't.

I'm not talking about physically there, because she might be. I'm talking about present. And available. And able to be the woman I grew up with, the one I knew and loved.

Sometimes, very rarely, I see a glimpse of who she was, and I'm so grateful for those milliseconds. But the sad part of those beautiful moments is they only last for that, a moment.

For now, I'm not sure how to get past this jealousy. I'm not really sure I want to, because it fuels my fire. It makes me want to cure her disease, and to help prevent another girl from ever feeling this way. Because when a 14 year old girl feels helpless to save her mother, it changes her life.