Regrets

Regrets are an awful thing.

And so is jealousy. However. I find myself stuck between these two things today, and I can't seem to shake them.

I feel inadequate. Moreso now than I ever have before in my life. I ask myself, "Why?" "Why can't you do it all? Why can't you seem to balance all of this?"

I am... struggling. So much right now.

With work, and school, and doing homework, being a good manager, trying to be a worthy friend, and a loving daughter...I just want to scream! I want to wander the far ends of the earth and sit in solitude - until I can figure out what I truly want to do.

I want to be a happy person - one that you meet and you can see that just exudes joy.

I want to cut out of my life everything  that doesn't contribute to my happiness, but right now, that is everything.

I've thought about quitting school and finding work that makes me happy, but how can I do that without a college degree? I can't.

I've thought about quitting work, and throwing myself heart and soul into my studies. Which is a novel idea...but how can I afford such a thing with no income? I can't.

Which leaves me with two options:

1, Quit everything! Live off of "welfare" and give up everything I've worked so hard for. Spend life alone, and lonely, waiting to die.

2. Keep doing what I'm doing. Work myself to death, keep doing things I don't want to do in hopes that one day it will make me happy.

Anyone who knows me know that #1 isn't even really an option for me. While I find #2 still highly undesirable, it's what I have to do.

Because if I don't, I will be faced with a life full of regrets.

and...

Regrets are an awful thing.

Love Every Day

While the majority of my thoughts end up here, I (occasionally) also write on my mom's MS blog. I don't get on very often, because it just doesn't seem... like much ever changes.

But, since this post has a lot to do with my feelings towards mom's MS, and my life, I figured I'd post it here too.

It has been... far too long since I have last updated.

In the day to day, when you're actually living it, it doesn't seem like much ever changes. But when you look back, and realize that everything is different, it's difficult to accept.

I find this to be true in Mom's case.

I miss her, every day.

She's still here, beautiful and flawed as ever, struggling to make it through the day, just one at a time. I admire the strength that she possesses in her spirit, if it were me, I know I would have been long broken by now. She smiles, and says "Thank You" for everything. It's sweet, and endearing, and it makes me miss her that much more.

It seems that pieces of her fade away slowly, and sometimes they will come back for a rare and special occasion. I know they are gifts, and I treasure them, but memory is funny that way - I never seem to be able to hold on to the good moments, only the bad ones.

When things happen in life, it is difficult to approach them with her. It's a dilemma, because you silently wonder to yourself "Will she remember? Will it upset her?" So I never know what to say.

I often find myself asking, "Would 'Old Mom' want to know?"  Would she be mad at me for keeping it from her?

"Old Mom". That's how I refer to the woman I used to know, because who she was, and who she is now, are very different people.

I like to frame situations like that:

Old Mom  vs. New Mom

And when I do that, I wonder... Is she proud of me? Would she like what I'm doing in life?

And, I think she would. Because I'm her daughter. She loves me with a fire so deeply inside her, that it scares me to let her down. She is a momma-bear in the fiercest sense of the word. Even now. I know, she would still do anything in her power for me, and that's how I know that she is still there, somewhere.

It's difficult to take the role of a caregiver when you're still supposed to be given care yourself. It's impossible to see someone you love so much in so much pain. It's awful to know what's ahead. Sometimes, all you can do is hold her hand, and love her that much more along the way.

 I do it for her, because she did it for me. She gave up so much... she sacrificed everything. For me.

I apologize for not really getting into any details of how she's doing medically,  but she's doing fairly well. A little cold as of right now, and, as expected, her MS continues to progress.

You can read the original post here.

Until next time,

Modern Day Version of Mom

Honestly, I thought I'd be a lot older when I said this, but...

I'm just like my mother.

Which, I think is odd.

I've spent a quarter of my life now (actually a little bit more) living without my mom at home. Sometimes I forget what it was like to have her here, and that realization hurts more than I'd like to admit.

In the fourteen years I spent living with her, I'm glad that I had her to learn from. Sometimes, I'll do something, and without realizing it, I want it done in the exact same way mom would have.

For example:

When leaving the kitchen all of  the kitchen cupboards must be closed, and the lights must be turned off. They just have to.

I sound just like her. When I'm at work especially... "Do it right or do it twice" 

"Find yourselves something to do before I find something for you... And believe me, you're not going to like it."

I'm not saying it's a bad thing that I'm just like her. Actually, it's a little comforting knowing that she is so much a part of me, that I think she always will be. And that,  my friends, is something to be proud of. 

A Handwritten Blog

For Violet,

Best friend, where do I begin?

I miss you.

So much.

Back in high school, 

when you said 

you were moving back to Oklahoma, 

I honestly thought it would be 

the end of our beautiful friendship. 

And it was devastating. 

The night we said goodbye 

was one of the hardest in my life!

We promised to keep in touch.

We promised to keep the contract.

But,

I couldn't imagine living life 

without you right around the corner.

Somehow, life went on.

The summer after you left was lonely. 

I spent a lot of time working, 

distracting myself

from how much I missed you.

As fall grew closer,

Everyone said 

"You'll make new friends in college. 

It will be the best time of your life." 

And, some part of me wanted to believe them.

But speaking for myself, 

I've never met anyone else like you. 

And that's okay.

Because 

I already have 

a best friend, and it's 

you.

Time has gone on, and

Every time we meet,

it's like we picked up right

where we left off.

We have fun, 

We are 100% ourselves,

and we reaffirm

that we're meant to be

 BEST FRIENDS.

Everytime we say goodbye,

I miss you a little less,

because I know

you'll always be there.

No matter what.

So let's plan our next adventure,

because right now, 

I sure want to be able

to miss you

a little less.

Love,

Not Who I Was, Still Who I Am

I have been putting off posting this for a while now, although it's been written (at least in my mind) for quite some time.

So, why now?

Because, I'm tired of living to please other people. I'm... tired of trying to live in a way other than what I want to. Because this is my life, and I believe I should live it how I want to.

That being said, I want to express my gratitude for my upbringing, because I know it has made me who I am today, and without that, I know I would be a very different person. But, I believe there comes a time in each person's life where they have to choose, who they want to be, what they want to do, and how they're going to do it.

This is my time.

I have chosen to distance myself from the religion I was brought up in.

Even as a child, when going to church, I would resist. My mother would convince me to go by letting me choose my own dresses (can anyone say, independent streak?) and, there were nice old ladies who would give me candy. Sure, these were great motivators as a child, and they worked, for a while. And then I got older, and "less active" in the church. It didn't bother me, because, I knew, in my heart, that I didn't want to be there. I would occasionally attend a young women's activity, and I admit, they were most of the time pretty fun, but still my heart wasn't in it. And in high school, I attended seminary, where I pretended to be something I wasn't. Admittedly, I learned some great lessons from seminary, and I was touched by some magnificent people, who still today, I am grateful for.  Since high school, I have been considered "non-active", and I have attended church a handful of times, surprised by how out of place I have felt. If this is something that is supposed to make me feel so good, so enriched and blessed, surely, I must have missed something, somewhere. I have yet to find that missing piece, but I have filled it with something else instead.

I have filled it with a peace, within myself. An acknowledgement of my blessings, a gratitude for them, and a knowledge that I am never alone. I am a Theist. I am a Christian. I am a daughter of God, and I don't need much more than that. Perhaps, someday, I will have a burning desire to be a part of organized religion, but at this point in my life, I don't. Because I believe it is wrong to say one thing and do another. I believe it is wrong to lead a double life and only be superficially involved in your religion. I've seen it all too often, and have decided that I don't want to be like that. And it's okay. Because I am happy.

What brings about that happiness, for me?

Contentedness. I am happy with who I am, and the choices I have made. I believe that in order to be happy, you have to be true to yourself, and what you truly want. For me, that is choosing to distance myself from religion. And with that, have come a few more decisions.

I drink coffee. 

Because I like it. I don't need a better reason. Tell me, please, what is truly the difference between the caffeine in Coca-Cola and in Coffee?  Temperature. 

I swear.

Yes, I am aware this is not something to be proud of. It is a sign of "weakness" and un-originality. Sue me. Sometimes a "damn" here or there is just more... satisfying, or dare I say, appropriate?

I pierced my ears, for the second time.  *gasp*

This, for me, was less of a direct move against the church, and more of a exercise of freedom. I had been wanting to this for over a year, so finally, one day, I just did. And I haven't regretted it once.

So, why now?

I am at a very formative period in my life. One of my favorite things about college is that it challenges your beliefs in order to help you determine what they really are.

I've learned more about myself in one semester than I could've ever imagined.

In one of my classes, we have talked about personal mission statements, and how important they are to someone's success. I am still forming mine, however this is what I have so far:

"Live my life in a way as to not interfere with other's, contribute to cultural knowledge and experience, and enrich and better the lives of every person I meet."

What do I mean, by this?

• I don't believe I have the right to decide, for anyone but myself, what to do with their lives. It is not my place, nor should it be, to tell anybody what to do. Nor is it anyone's place to tell me what to do.

          Who knows?  Maybe it's my independent streak. I want my freedom, so I believe in protecting other's.

• I want to change culture by being exactly who I am, someone different. Someone who dares to be who they truly want to be, unashamedly. 

         If I want to listen to Indie Pop, drink my $4 latte, and wear two pair of earrings, so be it. Maybe I'll be an example for someone else who isn't quite sure how to be who they are.

• And, most importantly, I want to make a difference in people's lives. I know, it sounds like a canned answer. We've all heard it a million times before. But I get it now. 

         I want to be a force for change. Be an example to young girls, like myself, who just weren't sure how to go about being themselves. I can't do it for them, but I can sure show them the way as I pave it.

In fewer words, namaste. 

Every person you have ever met has changed you. 

Just think about that for a minute. Let it sink in.

So, how do I plan on changing people's lives?

I want to be happy, even when life has given me a million reasons to be sad.
I want to smile, because I am living my life they way I want to.

Because I want to be an example for independence. 

I'm still Holly.

I'm still the wild haired, free spirited, fun loving, incurable optimist I've always been. Shy as a child, confident as an adult. The only thing that has changed is that I have asserted myself. I'm standing up for who I am and what I want to be. It's no coincidence I was born on Independence Day. 

I'm still me.

And, I figure, those who love me will continue to love me, even if I'm not who they thought I was. And if they don't still love me, then they never really did.

Until next time,

P.S.