Today I attended the wedding reception of my cousin Andy. It was a lovely celebration of his and his new wife Jessica's love. Congratulations to the happy couple!
Well, upon observation of the Mother-Son and Father-Daughter dances, I realized something. Something that hit me so hard that it almost took the wind out of me. I almost began to feel ill. I realized that at my own wedding, I won't be able to have my mom there. She won't be able to perform the traditional "mom" duties of a wedding, and she may not remember what's going on.
It's hard not to be bitter about this. It's hard to say "It's okay. At least I still have my mom with me." We have her physically, but MS has stolen her. We have lost our sense of normalcy.
Before mom was diagnosed with MS, I never paid attention to handicapped parking or wheelchair ramps. I saw people in wheelchairs and always assumed they were paralyzed from accidents or birth defects. I never really put much thought into it except feeling bad for them.
MS has changed my life. I may not have it (at least not that I know of) but mom having it has shifted my perspective on life. I see life through a different lens than I used to. All those years I took her for granted when I should have been thanking her and helping her with whatever she asked of me. I could have done this, or I could have don't that. But, I know that life isn't about the "what ifs". Why dwell on it? Well, I'm here to say that sometimes, you just can't help it. You lay awake at night thinking, and your mind wanders to it.
A lot of times I feel guilty for all those years that I should have known there was something wrong. Looking back and putting together the pieces, we can trace her having MS back about 23 years. I've done research (tons of it) and it seems that mom usually has the most rare symptoms. Itching (she had unexplained itching her entire pregnancy with Ashley) Memory Loss (she had memory loss before she lost any body functions) the list goes on and on.
All of this stemmed from a wedding. A simple, normal, everyday gesture of love between a parent and their child as they start a life and family of their own. Nothing is normal anymore.
It is an everyday struggle to cope with a life-changing diagnosis of a family member. Especially one as vital to your family as your mother. I wake up every morning and think about her, knowing she is waking up to another day trapped in her pain-riddled body.
I try to be strong, and I try to be grateful for all I do have, but today, I'm struggling. I want my mom. I need my mom. But because of MS, I can't have her in the way I need.
I'm jealous of others who have their mom's and take them for granted. I'm jealous of those who have their moms at home. I'm jealous of other kids who will have their moms at their graduation, their wedding, and the birth of their first child.
Life is different for me. Life is what you make it, and I choose to make mine positive despite things I can't control.
