We Could Have Lost Her

There are times when we take life for granted, and get lost in the boring, mundane, humdrum of life...

Friday was one of those days for me.

I was off of work... Slow start to the day because of a lack of sleep. Stayed on the couch.. Watched some Netflix... Got ready and had some lunch.

Went to take my friend's engagement pictures... Didn't feel like going home, so I went shopping.

Again... Slow paced, relaxed, nondescript day.

Then I got the gut wrenching terrifying call.

It was all kind of a blur.

"Hi, this is the nurse from Heritage Park, I'm calling to let you know we're sending your mother to the Emergency Room."

*silence*

"She... choked. She was eating dinner and the nurse practitioner found her in her room, blue. The paramedics started CPR and removed the blockage in her airway. They're on their way to the hospital now. McKay Dee, correct?"

*silence* 

"Hello?"

By this point, my vision was blurred my tears, and my words replaced by big gasps for air.

I was hyperventilating.

Somehow, I managed to mumble a "Yes" and we finished the conversation without me knowing what I had really said.

With trembling hands, and tears freely flowing down my face, I continued to drive home...Quickly. 

I don't recall much of the drive, my mind was all-consumed in guilt. 

I should have been there. It's been two days since I've seen her! What will I do if she's gone? I'll never forgive myself! I need her! She can't die. I'm not ready. I need her! Please, God, no! I'm pleading with you, not her, not now, please...I need her.

Thankfully, I made it home, and by the time I made it in the house, I was in full-on hysterics. My sister held me as I cried into her chest, she stroked my hair, and assured me mom was going to be okay. I love my sister, I trust my sister, but this time, I just wasn't so sure she was right. 

She helped me pull it together and change my clothes. We needed to go... we needed to get to the hospital to find out the fate of our family - to find out what exactly had happened to our mother.

We made it to the hospital, and it seemed like an eternity before anyone would tell us anything...

Until...

I heard my mother scream.

Now, most people would be terrified by the sound of their mother's scream. 

For me, it was a relief.

It meant there was air in her lungs, that she was breathing, and that she was fighting. That she was still here, with me, and that I could breathe, too.

The doctor came in. 

"She's fine. She choked on a sandwich! I want to keep her for a couple of hours, load her up with fluids and a sedative to help her sleep. She should be ready to go home in a few hours."

After eight hours and a great nap (for her) in the E.R., she was headed back to the nursing home.

It took me a while to process it, all of it. I lay awake, despite complete physical and emotional exhaustion. The "what if" was going to drive me crazy. I silently wished that the doctor could have given me a sedative, too.

Finally, I had processed all of the negative thoughts and feelings... I decided to be grateful instead.

I could have lost her, but I didn't.

I experienced a feeling of complete gratitude... Again I sobbed, but this time with tears of relief and gratitude.

We could have lost her... but we didn't.

Schools Out... Forever?

16 years ago, my educational career began. Miss Hollie's Preschool, I was the ripe old age of 3!

And while my educational career isn't over, it is on hold... For now.

For the first time in sixteen years,  I didn't go back to school today.

Honestly? I thought I would like it. I thought I would drive past the school, say "See ya, suckers!" and drive on by. Not so.

I drove by the school today, and I was jealous. I wanted to be there... I wanted to be one of them again. I wanted to drop everything! Just go run into a class and sit down, take notes.

It wasn't really a conscious decision not to go back to school this semester... I just never signed up.

I don't think I'll make it a whole semester without school in my life. I need school. I need something in my life besides work. My job is an okay plan for now, but I can't stay there forever! I barely make ends meet as it is and I still live at home.

Here's to figuring out what I want to do with my life!

Pocket Change

Some decisions in life are easy.

What's for breakfast?

Bacon, Eggs, Hashbrown and Orange Juice.

What am I going to wear today?

Red Striped Shirt, Jeans, TOMS.

Some decisions in life are hard.

What am I going to do with my life?

Um, uh... I don't know.

Who am I going to be?

Uh... a woman. I know that for sure.

But they all have to be made.

I'm infamous for being indecisive.

With the easy decisions, it's not really a big deal. At a restaurant, when I order my food, I always hesitate. I usually have a couple of items in mind, and then I just go with the flow and decide on the spot.

With the hard decisions, it's kind of really a big deal. It's not a restaurant. It's life. It's not food, it's the future. There aren't just a couple of options... there are million. In life, you can't just "go with the flow" and expect it to work out.

You have to plan. To know what you want. To go after it.

I'm trying to do that.

I made my decision... But now I don't know where to start. That fear has crept up, and my mind has swayed. I've over thought it.

I think I know what I want. It's like at the restaurant... I have narrowed it down to a couple of options, and now, I just have to pick one. Except this time, I don't get to decide on the spot... I have to decide ahead of time, which is my problem.

If I decide ahead of time, there's still time to change my mind. To overthink things and get scared.

Which I know is completely natural and normal... But knowing it's normal doesn't silence the fear.

Who will I call when I need help?

What will I do about a job?

When will I start school?

Where will I live?

Why am I really doing this?

How will I afford tuition?

The classics. Who, What, When, Where, Why, How.

These questions are real. They deserve to be answered. My mind deserves to know.

But I have no answers.

This isn't pocket change here... This is real change. 

...and I have no idea how to handle it.





Soul Sister

I believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason. He gives us our family, our friends, and puts them there to shape and mold us into the people we are supposed to become.

God gave me my family, my mom, my dad, and my sister.... and God gave me my friends.

and then... God gave me my Soul Sister. And this is how we met:

8.26.09

 

It's always the ordinary days that change your life... And the ordinary people that make it extraordinary.

 

My first day of high school was a very confusing and exciting day for me. I had no idea what to expect, and I was lost the entire day, but there is one part that I will always, always remember.

 

The first time I met my best friend.

 

I walked into the OHS gym, and sat down in the top row of bleachers... It was awkward, and uncomfortable, and I knew only a few people there. Then... There was this girl. Seated alone, on the first row, just waiting for the class to be over. Weren't we all...

 

Can we please take a moment to appreciate the fact that
puberty worked out well for us? And be happy
we don't still look like this?

We started talking. Being the only two girls in the class with a little extra to love, we instantly had a reason to be grouped together. The more we talked, the more we got along... We shared our stories, mine of mom, and hers of her family, and our friendship began. Silly me, I thought she was crazy for saying to me, "You know, we're going to be best friends one day." she was right. That was the beginning of her always being right... And I love it.

 

So sophomore year, we were friends. Not best friends, just kinda friends with a little bit different interests, but there was still something between us that kept the connection there.
 

 

Junior year, we didn't spend much time together at all. We talked a little, texted a little, we had different interests, but we still had a connection.

 

Senior year is when all of the pieces finally fell into place. We had EdNet and parent release together, so at the end of the day we walked home together... and she won me over with food.  (Seriously, she's a good cook.)

 We baked together, laughed together, and finally when the other kids were just getting out of school, we had eaten until we were stuffed full and then I went home.

The year went on, and we became closer and closer. We did homework together, skipped a few classes together, went to lunch, went to the mall... We spent pretty much every single minute we could together.

 

 

We both got our first jobs, she bought her first car, and we had FUN!

 

Then graduation came, and before the ceremony, we hugged, and she whispered in my ear, "See you on the other side of childhood..." Tears stung my eyes and I hugged her tighter.








 

High school was over. We were supposed to be adults now... We spent most of the time working... But we still made time to talk to each other every day.

 

 

Finally, it was time for her to move away. Oklahoma was calling her name...

The night we said goodbye, I hugged her a million times. We cried together... We hugged some more... I went home and cried. Probably the hardest I ever have... I cried myself to sleep! I get a little teary-eyed just thinking about it now.

 

1400 miles didn't drift us apart, though. If anything, it brought us closer together. We still talked, every night. It gave us a reason to keep in touch.

We have both fought so hard for our friendship. Because it's worth fighting for.

Since she moved away, she's been back to see me TWICE! Because she's the best.

She came for Christmas... A lot of crappy things happened, but it was still a good visit. :)

 

And then, her most recent visit. :) We planned this visit for a long, long time. Since she left in December, actually. We really built up to it. It was everything we planned and more!



 

 I've never been closer to anyone in my life. We talk about everything. Literally. She knows when there's something on my mind, and I know when there's something on hers. Even through text. We say good morning and good night, and try to talk as much as we can in between. Our schedules are completely different, and so are our personalities, but that's what makes us so good together.

I love her with all my heart, and I'm so happy she's my best friend, and that I'm hers. God knew what he was doing on August 26, 2009... even if I thought she was crazy.












Soul Sisters. Forever and a Day,

 



Leaving the Nest

From the time that a mama bird's eggs hatch, she loves and cares for them, ensures their safety, and prepares them for the time that they will leave her nest, and on to a nest of their own. 

When that time does come, mama bird knows. She knows that her sweet, young babies are ready... So she does the unthinkable. She pushes them out of the nest so they can fly on their own. She watches them fly off, flapping their wings, silently praying they will make it out there in that large, open sky. 

What happens when mama bird has to leave her nest before her babies are ready?...She doesn't want to, but she doesn't have a choice. Baby birds still need her, but she can't be there for them like she needs to be. 

Baby birds are left there... Teaching themselves to fly. Trying to learn how soar without someone there to teach them. Sure, Daddy bird is there. He protects the nest, he loves his baby birds, but mama bird is the only one who can teach the babies how to fly. The only one who can give them the push they need. 

What happens when baby bird takes a peek outside the nest... And sees what the big blue sky has to offer? She flaps her wings, but mama bird isn't there to give her the push she is needs.... 

Baby bird goes back into the nest, and waits for the time when her wings are more developed. But she doesn't forget that peek outside the nest. She remembers how beautiful that big blue sky was, and all it had to offer. 

Baby bird continues to peek... And wait... But mama bird still isn't there to give her the push she needs. One day, baby bird realizes she'll have to jump by herself... But she knows that she can't do it on her own. She'll need advice from aunty birds, friendly birds, and any birds that have left the nest already.

--------------------------------------------------

The whole point of my analogy here is that I want to transfer to SUU... Being a four hour drive from home, means I would have to move there. To Cedar City. Not too close, but not too far away either.

 I'm so nervous to move forward with this idea because I don't have my mama here to support me, and tell me to go and follow my dreams. In fact, by going, I would be leaving my mama bird behind. 

What I need are words of encouragement. Whispers of advice. I need someone to be my mama bird and give me the push out of the nest. 

Someone, please tell me that if I leave the nest, I'm not a bad baby bird... Tell me mama bird knows that I love her, and understands my need to spread my wings. Tell me daddy bird will be okay in the nest without mama bird or baby bird... Tell  

me that this baby bird will make it out there in the big, blue sky. 

This baby bird's wings are flapping, who will be the wind beneath them? 

3 Days of Happiness...Part 3

After two days of waking up early, and staying up late, we decided it was finally time to sleep in! It was great. We woke up around 9, and still made it out of the hotel around 9:30! We drove around St. George, went to the St. George temple, and spent the entire drive to Cedar City talking about our beliefs and what makes us, us. I love how different we are, but how similar we are at the same time!

Anyways, the drive to Cedar City is only about an hour, so we got there about 11. My grandpa grew up in Cedar City, so I gave him a call and we went and found the house he grew up in. How cute!!!

 

On the way back to the restaurant where we planned on having lunch, Violet said, "LOOK! THAT HOUSE! IT'S SOOOOOO PRETTY!" So I turned the car around just so we could go back and look.

 

 

Turns out that pretty little house was a bed and breakfast, and let me tell you, it was the cutest thing EVER!

 

 

Seriously, if you're ever in Cedar City and need a place to stay, look up The Garden Cottage Bed and Breakfast. You won't regret it!  Oh, and be sure to ask for the "Hollyhock" room. ;)The lady who owned it was so nice, she gave us a tour and a post card, and told us to come back anytime! Violet and I fell in love with that place.

 

 

After there, we went to the best little sandwich place, called The Pastry Pub. The stuff on the sandwich may sound strange, but trust them (and me!), it's delicious.

 

Since we were taking it slow going home, we decided to look up attractions between Cedar City and Ogden. We stumbled across Cove Fort, and decided that it was worth the time to stop!

 

 



 

The sister missionary that showed us around was Sister Robb, she was so chatty and friendly, and made the experience really fun without being overly churchy for either of us. There is such a rich history to Utah... I'm so happy I got a chance to see it... and experience it.

 

Three days, a couple hundred bucks, fifteen hundred miles, and a million memories later, we made it home.

 

And if we weren't already tuckered out, we decided to go out to dinner with my dad and sister, and her dad, Don. We chose Café Rio, a family favorite of ours, (trying to settle the dispute between Café Rio and Costa Vida.... no conclusions were made) and we spent a couple of hours eating and talking, telling the tales, laughing at the mistakes and bumps in the road, and joking about how far over the speed limit Violet went.... Okay... I guess I did too. But I'll never tell how far over! ;)

 

 

I have to be honest, most people would be tired of spending three days pent up in the car with the same person. But when we parted ways that night, I was a little bit sad! I wasn't ready for our three days alone together to be over.

 

I titled these posts 3 days of Happiness because truly, that's what I had.

 

And now that the days are long gone, and the miles have all been driven, I'm still not ready for that trip to be over. But it is. So it will live in my memory, and in my heart, and I will always treasure and remember the days I spent with my Best Friend exploring Southern Utah and Northern Arizona.

 

Forever and a Day,

3 Days of Happiness...Part 2

After leaving the Four Corners, we had the second longest part of the drive ahead of us! Off to the Grand Canyon.

We got stopped yet again for road construction... There was one part of the road I could hardly stand driving on! Miles and miles of unpaved road... at 45 mph.

I digress again....

After miles, and miles, and miles, and miles of Arizona.... we finally made it

here.

 

 

 

 

This was our first real glimpse at the Grand Canyon... completely breathtaking!

 

That was the first point, called the Desert View Watchtower... but our favorite point was called Moran Point.

 

Here's why.

 

 

See why?

 

 

 

My words mean nothing when it comes to describing the majesty and the wonder of the Grand Canyon. All we could do is marvel at God's handiwork... and make a PB&J.

 

 

Well, when lunchtime hits, and you're hungry, what do you do? Make a PB&J while enjoying the Grand Canyon of course! Yes, we got a few strange looks, and a few hungry eyes, but it was well worth it!

 

Then, we had the longest, and most boring part of the drive left. 

 

Good ol' Arizona.

 

It took us five hours, but we made it back into Utah and into St. George, where we spent the night. After catching a very late dinner at Denny's, we crashed!

 

 







What?!? Another post has come to an end, and I still haven't packed in all of the awesomeness?

 

Stay tuned!!!

 

 

Part 3 can be found here.